mooningremus

Of course, was the reply, followed by an address. Aaron wasn't here permanently, of course, but he stayed in the small flat of a priest who currently wasn't using it. It was sober and deeply religious, but it was only for a few nights.

He had debated whether to meet with Alain and decided against it. Perhaps that was cowardice.

He buzzed Remus in and opened the door with a smile.

It was nice to see a friendly face. Someone who, as far as Remus could tell, actually liked him. Someone who was not indifferent.

Even though he still felt shitty, he managed a smile. "Hello, Aaron. I hope I'm not imposing."

"Not at all," Aaron assured him. It was clear something was wrong. "Come in. I was just making tea."

He led the way to the small, sober kitchen, clearly the standard kitchen the flat had come with. Above the door a simple cross, on the wall a Catholic calender with depictions of saints of every month.

"Wonderful. Thank you." Remus followed him. "I, um." He knew he should tell him why he was here. He'd been kind listening to him talk about Willy before. Though also Remus couldn't help but feel a bit pathetic. "I ran into Willy. And I just didn't want to go back to the flat, because... you know. It's still his."

Aaron noticed there was no ring on his finger any more. "Ah, yes, of course. Did you tell him how you feel?"

It felt a little strange to talk about this with Aaron. Remus didn't quite meet his eyes.

"I was wrong," he said softly. "He wasn't angry with me for sleeping with John. He just... didn't want me anymore. Or maybe he never did. He was... he was indifferent." It was clear how much it hurt, from the way his voice wavered.

"Oh," Aaron's face fell a little, feeling sad for Remus. "I'm sorry. That must have been painful to learn."

Remus sank into a chair at the table.

"I'm a fool," he said quietly. "It's not like... I mean, he told me not to fall in love with him. I knew he didn't love me and I was willing to settle for that because he still made me happy and I thought... I thought he at least cared. There was so much that made me think he cared. But I was wrong. I was just - "

He slammed his first on the table. "I think he kept me as a pet."

Aaron sat down next to him and put his hand on Remus' back, rubbing it lightly. "That's a harsh realization."

Remus closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't dump this on you. I just..." He laughed ruefully. "You probably didn't know you were signing up to be like, my only friend." God he was pathetic.

"There will be more," Aaron assured. "You came out of a bad place. When you've healed, you can start forming new relationships."

He squeezed his arm. "And I like being your friend." A lot.

"My whole life has been a bad place," Remus muttered. "All the times I've been happy, someone has... someone has ruined the memories..." Sirius betraying them all. Willy making him re-examinine all of his happiness.

It was such a fucking horrible realization.

And then suddenly his face was buried against Aaron's chest and he was holding back sobs.

Aaron hugged him, planted a soft kiss on his head and just let him there against his chest for however long he needed.

"You don't have to tell me anything unless you want to. It might help you, though, if you can." Another kiss atop his head.

Remus honestly couldn't believe that this meltdown wasn't scaring Aaron away. Instead he was being so nice, and...

It just came pouring out. "Not all my friends are dead. Sirius..." Remus had mentioned them all by name when he was telling Aaron about Hogwarts. Sirius, James, Lily, Peter. And from the way he'd talked about them there was probably at least a whiff of his feelings for Sirius. "Sirius is in Azkaban. Wizard prison. Because it's his fault the rest are dead."

One man had used him for personal pleasure and nothing else , the other had caused the death of all his friends... No wonder Remus was miserable. And now he was associating with another murderer, with a man only good for violence. Aaron should probably warn him and advice him against their...whatever it was they had.

He would ask if Sirius was rightly in prison, but that seemed implied in Remus reaction.

"It's not your fault," he said quietly.

Remus would have objected to the characterization of Willy. Though he wouldn't have been sure if it was better or worse that it wasn't for pleasure, he was pretty sure. Possibly for cooking or cleaning. Or more likely, Remus thought, entertainment, pity, and perhaps fleeting affection. Like a puppy.

"I know it isn't my fault," Remus murmured. "That doesn't make it that much better." Pause. "What happened with Willy though, that was kind of my fault. He's right, he did warn me."

"I think it's very kind of you to see it like that," Aaron said. "Kind to Willy."

Remus was quiet for a moment, then said, “It wasn’t like it was bad when we were together. I could tell you all the ways he was wonderful but I don’t think that would make me feel any better. In any case… I guess it’s clear that it’s over now. Actually over.” He laughed sourly. “I’m not sure what it means that he apparently intends for me to live in that flat forever for free. I guess he does care about me in some way.”

"I don't want to speak ill of anyone on the basis of hearsay, but what you say reminds me of what Klaus said about him," Aaron replied, still holding him.

"I guess it doesn't really matter, does it," said Remus. He lifted his head, and wiped his sleeve across his eyes. "Thank you for being so nice, I know I'm a mess."

"It's okay, I get it," Aaron said. He also thought he should probably come clean to Remus. He should know the sort of man Aaron was. "Tea?" he asked.

"Yes, please," Remus said.

He didn't want to assume that Aaron wanted to have sex tonight, but if he did, Remus decided he was going to do what he could to make it very good. Aaron was being so good to him, and that was something he could offer. Well, or he could bake bread.

Aaron did not, necessarily. Or at least, he wasn't thinking about it. This wasn't his apartment and he didn't care much for sex under another man's crucifix.

"I know what it must be like," Aaron said, looking at the kettle and not Remus. "There was someone who loved me and whom I could not love back in the same way. It caused great pain." A start, he thought, of a warning to Remus.

Remus wasn't sure if Aaron was empathizing with him or with Willy, but he appreciated the candor. He offered a little smile. "I know that mine is not the first broken heart, and nor will it be the last. I'll... be fine."

"No, I mean..." Aaron began, but sighed. " Never mind. I don't kniw why I said that. Only to tell you you deserve better, I suppose."

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