Aaron (hospital AU)

[mooningremus]

Remus woke up laying in a bed in the emergency room. "Where... am I?" he asked, his voice a croak.

"Ah, welcome back," said a woman standing by his bed. She was wearing a nurse's uniform. "You're in the hospital. A helpful bystander found you passed out on the sidewalk. You don't have any ID on you. What's your name?"

"Remus Lupin." He rubbed his head, and realized he was connected to an IV.

"It's saline," the nurse said. "You're severely dehydrated. Malnourished too from the looks of it though we're waiting for more bloodwork. Any medical conditions we should know about?"

"I'm HIV positive," Remus said with a sigh. "I... I'm so sorry about all this trouble. I'm fine, I probably just... haven't been taking care of myself..." Or more accurately, couldn't afford food.

"Well you should feel better once you're hydrated, and I'll send a doctor in to do a workup," the nurse said. "Rest."

Remus nodded, feeling like a complete idiot. Or maybe burden to society. Or something. And a few hours later he had a diagnosis of nothing worse than what the nurse had said. Though at least confirmation that his HIV status hadn't transformed into something worse. Sometimes he had trouble with food when the shelters were full, but he went to the HIV clinic to get his meds.

The nurse also kindly brought him some fresh clothes. He did feel better as he prepared to leave.

Comments

[mooningremus]

"I would just like to get back to my life," Remus said. "It feels as if it's been on hold. And it might not be the life I thought it would be, but... but I just want to feel like a whole person again. Who can stand on my own."

[quitollis]

"Don't abandon the hope you might get back into teaching," Aaron said, gently. "I think you make a great teacher and I'm sure you'll find your way there again."

[mooningremus]

"Perhaps," said Remus. He paused a beat and then said, "I'd been toying with the idea of going back to school. Graduate studies in literature, perhaps to become a professor. But that seems even more out of reach now."

[quitollis]

"Why out of reach?" Aaron asked.

[mooningremus]

"Well... fired from a teaching job doesn't look any better in a university application than it does in a job application, and besides... I need to dig myself out of a horrid financial hole. I need to work."

[quitollis]

"If you get that job, it will certainly open doors. And you got fired for very dubious reasons. You may find some leniency."

[mooningremus]

"One step at a time then, I think," Remus said.

Then, after a moment - "Ah, where are we walking to?"

[quitollis]

"Oh... my flat? Is that inappropriate?" Aaron suddenly realized.

[mooningremus]

Inappropriate. Remus wondered why he chose that word.

"No, that's fine," Remus assured him quickly. "It's nice to be a guest there." And not a charity case.

[quitollis]

Aaron's mind was a bit of a jumble, so he couldn't say why he said it or even what he meant by it. Probably because he'd been in the mind-set to have sex and everything during that time seemed inappropriate. "And I like having you around."

[mooningremus]

"I'd also like to offer you an ear," Remus said gently. "If you want to talk. I imagine there isn't really anyone you can talk to about this."

[quitollis]

There was one, in fact, but Aaron found it difficult to talk to Alcuin. He knew the young man didn't want him to feel guilty about anything, but it was hard to overcome the idea that he'd paid him for sex.

"I don't know if there's much more to say..." Aaron deflected. "Or at least... I don't know what to say, or how to say it." That was more truthful.

[mooningremus]

"I understand," Remus said gently. "You also don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Aaron's flat was just ahead, so he added, "Why don't we open a bottle of wine. We can also just talk about rubbish."

[quitollis]

"I'd like that," Aaron said. He did want to talk, he found, except he truly didn't know what to say.

[mooningremus]

They got to Aaron's flat, and Remus said, "You should bring out whatever you think is the cheapest bottle of wine you have," and laughed.

He felt comfortable here. In all honesty he'd been sad to leave.

[quitollis]

"Absolutely not," Aaron said. "If we're drinking wine, we're drinking good wine," he said, smiling. "Also, I'm not sure I have that much choice in wines. Bottom left," he pointed. "You pick a bottle, but make it something you like."

[mooningremus]

"I know absolutely nothing about wine," Remus assured him. He bent over and opened the cabinet, and finally chose the one with the prettiest label. "But I do like roses," he said, showing it to him.

[quitollis]

"I would have likely made a similar choice," Aaron admitted. "The nicest label is surely the nicest wine."

He grabbed two glasses and a corkscrew and opened the bottle. He looked at it. "It'll breathe in our glasses, yes?" he asked, with a little teasing smile. He felt comfortable around Remus and it showed.

[mooningremus]

“Wonderful,” said Remus. He watched Aaron, thinking how wonderful he was, too. Smart, kind. Handsome. And Remus had to tell himself that this new knowledge about him didn’t make the feelings he was having anymore appropriate.

[quitollis]

Aaron smiled and passed Remus a glass, then sat down on the couch. "I keep wanting to talk to you about it," he then admitted, quite suddenly. "I just... don't know how. Or why, even."

[mooningremus]

Remus sat down beside him. He was quiet for a moment, and then said, "I have a rather complicated relationship with sex myself. Guilt, I suppose. Fear."

[quitollis]

"Guilt? That you might.... infect someone?" Aaron asked.

[mooningremus]

"Yes," said Remus, and took a drink of wine. "Since I was only a child when I was infected, it's been there hanging over my head the whole time. I can't have casual sex. Even if we're safe it's not fair for someone not to know the risks. So I've.... had very little. Sex."

[quitollis]

Aaron nodded. "I entered the seminary when I was sixteen. I had... well, there was a girl I tried something with, but it didn't really work. Then I entered the seminary and I dropped the idea entirely."

[mooningremus]

Remus hesitated, and then he said, "The shame you feel, is it... only because of your vows, or is it also because you want men?"